About being random and crazy

When was the last time you struck a deal with God? Or may be a challenge? If Tendulkar hits a six of the next ball, then India will definitely lose this match. (Of course whenever the bet was on, Tendulkar always managed to either tap it to the on-side for a harmless single or just miss the line, play all over the ball and get bowled) Which is why today I was on the doorstep of atheism when Sri Lanka almost snatched a victory contrary to the divine judgement. But thankfully, the Lankans choked, no further records were created (Highest chase, highest chase against India, highest chase in India, highest chase in India against India and all the other permutations and combinations!) and I continue to roam the "no man's land" separating the agnostics from the true believers

Which got me thinking - when I speak to God, I do the voiceover for God as well (Hangover of the advertising industry) For example:
ME: Oh Lord Tirupathi Balaji, will I be a successful writer?
GOD: Oh yes, you will be. But I cannot say whether it will happen during your lifetime or posthumously.
ME: Ah.. come on!!
GOD: You should have framed your question better. After all, you're an IIM grad. Gotcha! :D

Yes, my conversations with God can be really weird. The conditions and constraints that exist during my conversations with God are as follows:
1. We decide on the number of questions that can be asked. Yes, there is negotiation involved.
2. Each one of us needs to be very careful while laying the condition on which the bet would revolve. Because loopholes, however silly, can be used to advantage.
3. Neither of the voices are squeaky, shrill or high-pitched (All these conversations are held in a virtual, concealed environment called the human mind)
4. If both sides find out loopholes in each other's arguments, then the bets are off.
Yes, I'm a lot like JD from Scrubs. I live in a world of my own.

Anyhoo, this brings me to a more important question - is this condition something common? Do any of you guys suffer from this or is it something like Progenia (one in a zillion kids!) The stupid thing is - I know that it is me who is pretending to be the voice of God (Yes, I know oo stupid conscience of mine! You're a wolf in a sheep's clothing!) And still, I choose to argue with it as if it were really pertinent. There is a difference between wrestling with your conscience and deifying it while challenging and placing counter arguments.

I guess I am just another nutcase with nothing better to do.

The Littler Master

If there is one thing that can help me write tons of posts, that would be my ability to feel nostalgic at the drop of a hat. That, combined with my natural talent to suck at cricket, would form the crux of this post.

Nostalgia is one emotion that has helped me maintain my sanity and optimism. As for my cricketing abilities, I was not always a loser. There was a time when I was quite gifted (primarily due to my fertile imagination) When I was five, I realized that I could snatch victory from the jaws of defeat by scoring 21 runs from 3 deliveries thus winning the man of the match and helping India reach the finals of the World Cup. Later that week, I discovered much to my amazement that I had just taken seven wickets in an over against Pakistan in the World Cup Finals when they were coasting along with a required run rate of 3 per over. No, I did not bowl a no-ball. I completed a caught & bowled dismissal while simultaneously running the non-striker out. Thus did I achieve the first twin dismissal in the history of cricket. Thus did India win the '92 World Cup and I, the man of the series.

However, with time, I lost my innocence as I learnt the rules of the game - the stringent rules which shackled my imagination from pulling off some incredible victories. Thus ended the first golden era in my cricketing career. Though it was short-lived, I had made a name for myself as the genius all-rounder from the streets of Dombivali who could make Imran Khan shit in his pants. My focus also gradually shifted from becoming the next Kapil Dev to the next Sachin Tendulkar. After every Indian victory, I'd ask my mother if it would be alright for me to become a cricketer. She'd smile back and ask me to finish my homework first. This is where part-I concludes. Find below the career statistics of this boy wonder unearthed from old issues of Wisden and the by-now-erased files of cricinfo.com.

Full Name: Srinivasan Sampathkumar
Born: July 13th, 1986
Current Age: 23 years 141 days
Major Teams: India, West Zone, Mumbai, Dombivali (W)
Batting Style: Right-hand bat
Bowling Style: Right-arm fast, Right-arm medium, Right-arm off-break, Right-arm leg break

Batting and fielding averages (1992-94)
(Read as Matches, Innings, Not Outs, Runs scored, Highest Score, Average, Balls Faced, Strike Rate, Number of 100s and 50s)
Tests 13 17 5 2143 247 178.6 1644 130.35 8 1
ODIs 27 27 9 1721 146* 95.61 923 186.46 9 5
First-class 2 2 2 346 257* -- 149 232.22 2 0

Bowling averages (1992-94)
(Read as Matches, Innings, Balls Bowled, Runs Conceded, Wickets, Best figures - innings, Best figures - match, Average, Economy, Strike Rate)
Tests 13 21 1075 394 99 8/4 16/29 3.98 2.2 10.85
ODIs 27 12 372 92 89 6/1 6/1 1.03 1.48 4.18
First-class 2 - - - - - - - - -

Confession

Hello folks,

My name is ***** and I am 6'2" tall. I weigh an unhealthy 58 kilos and am pale in complexion. I think we'll skip the rest of the intro and get straight to the point. In fact, I think we'll take a small detour to grab a pinch of salt before we begin. Yeah, you can take some cinnamon and pepper as well! Now.. to the point.

I think it all started after I completed my first year of engineering. Yeah.. I think that would be it. I had come home for a vacation. And that was the first time I had heard it. Of course, it was a passing mention and I did not pay much heed to it. But since then I've heard it a million times. And frankly, I was getting tired of it. Of what, you may ask. Of comments on my height! Ah.. he has grown really tall.. has he grown taller since the last time I saw him? You saw me yesterday, Aunt Rachel! (Of course the name has been changed!) My neck hurts looking at him. And the worst one - oh gosh! he gives me a complex! Never ever stand next to me, you hear that? followed by a hysterical hyena laugh. (Hyena laugh, in this context, is the laughing equivalent to crocodile tears) Yeah.. so I guess you got the point. I was getting tired of all these comments. Until recently, that is.

Yes, it happened. I looked over my shoulder and found someone taller than me. Its not like I've never seen people taller than me. But this one was particularly tall and he came and stood next to me. I dont know what happened but I was overcome by this enormous feeling to kick this guy in his gut. He was really imposing and intimidating! I was like, Seriously! Is it even legal to be so tall?! And that was when I realised how you all might have felt when you cracked all those comments about my height. I apologise for not having respected your feelings (and your height.)
I also thank you for not kicking me in the gut.

Yours sincerely,
*****

PS: Yes, a very lame attempt at getting back to blogging but an attempt nevertheless!
PS1: If you've made it this far, drop a comment. I'm sure you'll have something to say about the prevailing Maoist situation in the country.
PS2: I've seen traffic being diverted from Halley's blog to mine in the past. It must be the communists! :P

On Creativity

Looking back, I think my placements season at IIMK was one of the most depressing periods of my life. Being a fresher, I'd be shortlisted for almost every process only to be eliminated in the GD round. You see, I was never the one to share opinions forcibly. Also, a very dear friend of mine once remarked that the aim of a placement process should be to act as a lubricant between the companies and the students so as to ease the interaction between the two parties. And I've always been of the opinion that GD is not the best way of doing the same. I digress.

So as I was telling, I'd usually be eliminated in the GD round. But there were times when I was lucky enough to make it to the interview round. And it was during one of those interviews that we had an interesting conversation on creativity - the interviewer and I. The company in question had come to recruit for a marketing role. And I was one of the first few to be called in. My interview was going fine. I had written a paper on the "Effectiveness of use of sexuality in advertisements" and we were discussing the same. We spoke about Indian brands which have used varying shades of sexuality in their campaigns.

Suddenly, out of the blue, the interviewer asks me, "You claim that you're creative. Why dont you tell me how you'd use sexuality in promoting our products?" And that was that. I spaced out. I could not come up with anything. You see, I've always thought of creativity as one of my forte and here, sitting right across me, was a gentleman who was asking me to prove it. I just could not come up with anything!

Which is when I gathered my guts and spoke, "Sir, there are two types of creative people that I know of - the naturally gifted ones and otherwise. The naturally gifted ones are like the instant, maggi-noodles type who can give you a bucketload of ideas in two minutes. Unfortunately, I belong to the other category. Hence I will need some prodding in the right direction before I can actually come up with something." (I took 30 seconds to think of these lines before I started delivering them)

Frankly, I expected him to be happy that I was not one of those stereotypical, IIM egomaniacs. Unfortunately, I could not read much into his poker-faced expression. However, he offered some pointers on how we could go about integrating sexuality in the products without actually offending our target audience. And I took the cues rather gladly thus making it more of a discussion than an interview as we exchanged the pros and cons.

The interview finished on a rather smooth note. I shall not tell if I made it through or not but it did make me introspect on how creative I actually am. For a day.

PS: A totally random post. Blame I.V!

The year that was - 2008

Before I begin, I wish you all a very happy new year. Hope this year brings out the worst in you! Yes, I am not in a good mood - bad time to be blogging, eh? This post will be answering the FAQs that have been put to me.

Song currently listening to: Bohemian Rhapsody

So what have you been doing lately?
Apart from worrying about the recession, quite a lot. I hit a creative purple patch a couple of weeks back and since then, have written some interesting stuff. I must say that I have grown to like what I wrote - grown is the word to be emphasized here. And fortunately (or otherwise) I have decided not to put it up on the public domain. That is primarily because when I blog I want some feedback and no one bothers giving me one. So if you're really jobless, AND have been having a bad day, ping me and I'd gladly send you across something.

Song currently listening to: Radha kaise na jale, Lagaan

How did you celebrate the new year?
Well, thankfully my friends have similar views on new year - its overhyped! However, we had a couple of days off and we decided to go to Ooty. On bikes! So we rode 200 km across the border (TN - Kerala border) and trust me, it was lot of fun! (Too many exclamation marks!!) The roads, the sceneries, the cool fresh air - it was a welcome break from the usual. Ooty was freezing cold though. The place is really beautiful but there were hardly any beautiful tourists (if you know what I mean) All we could bump into, were families with troublesome kids. So much for a vacation!

So as I was telling, the place was frikkin cold. Hence we decided to stay indoors once the clock struck nine. Armed with chips, home-made chocolates and a lot of time to kill, we began playing cards. And it was refreshing to be away from laptops, cell phones and still have fun. At the stroke of midnight, when everyone around the world is usually busy brushing up their arithmetic skills (thanks to the overhyped countdown) we were happily peeking at each others' cards and swearing at the top of our voices. We did realise after fifteen minutes that it was past twelve and wished each other.

Thanks to the trip, I have a copper tan. After all, we did drive for almost 10 hours in the sun! Many have expressed their liking for it (some have feigned - dont you think you can fool me! :P) I, on the other hand, am trying to ignore it. Today morning when I woke up to go brush, I freaked out at what I saw in the mirror. I guess that explains everything. It doesn't? Then you need to infer, my dear friend.

Song currently listening to: Wind of Change, Scorpions

So how was the year 2008?
Year 2008 was a lot like a well made movie - exciting and depressing in parts with a lot of fun and frolic. This year will be remembered as the year when I had to deal with the loss of two people whom I knew. I think this year has been phenomenal because I've got to know myself better. This shall also be the year when the Aussies got their asses whooped! woo hoo! On the personal front, I was involved in some exciting stuff. Hopefully things will just get bigger and better.

Any new year resolutions?
hmm.. I need to accomplish something to satisfy my ego. Yes, I do have a hugely neglected egoist curled up in some deep corner of my heart. And no, its not a 20 lpa job that I am looking for. I want something which will go down as a milestone in my life. Something which I can look back and reminisce fondly.

Song currently listening to: Careless Whisper

And the most frequently asked question is *drumrolls*

When are your placements starting?
I've got some people asking me this question once every fortnight. And I have, kindly, told them repeatedly that it begins in March. Even my folks dont hound me like this! Next time I hear the question from any of you, I will have a simple two word answer - Fuck you. Of course, I'd tell it politely :) And stop linking it with recession. Its tiresome to answer it again and again. If you want a weekly update, use google!

Some of the questions mentioned above are the ones which I ask myself frequently. So technically, they still are FAQs! ;)

Have a great year. Peace out.

Diwali, crackers and I

Happy Diwali, my dear readers! I hope you all had a blast. As for me, I love Diwali for all the sweets and presents it brings along. And the home-cooked food is as always finga-lickin good! But I'm afraid the festival has lost its significance for me over the past few years. And that has been mainly because I've stopped bursting crackers. I think I was in 10th when I read something about the child labour situation in Sivakasi. The grim situation portrayed by that article affected me so much that I had to give up on what I had loved the most about Diwali - bursting crackers.

If you're wondering why one would give up something like this after reading an article, let me try explaining it. To me, bursting crackers has become synonymous to eating non-vegetarian food. I dont like eating non veg but I dont mind others eating it. I am not against non-vegetarians just because I am a vegetarian. Similarly, I am not fighting for the cause of child workers in Sivakasi by boycotting crackers. I've just developed some amount of dislike towards bursting crackers. Unfortunately, I've landed in many an awkward moment with my relatives because of a misunderstanding over this reason. Let me illustrate this with an example

Relative: Gokul, why dont you burst a cracker or two?
Me: No uncle. I dont burst crackers. *sheepish smile*
R: Why? Do you think crackers are for kids? Look, even I am bursting crackers. *twirls his cracker in apparent joy*
Me: No uncle. Its ok. Actually I dont like bursting crackers. *still trying to avoid telling the reason*
R: What? You're scared of bursting crackers? haha.. *thinks what a big loser I am* You're a young man now. I will teach you. Dont worry.
Me: No no.. *grr.. let him have it* I used to burst crackers. But I've quit because of the child labour situation in many Sivakasi factories. *puts a worried expression and points to the cover of the cracker on which Sivakasi is written in bold font*
R: *Awkward silence*
Me: *Talk something dammit! I hope you dont think of me as some socially aware citizen*
R: *More awkward silence as he sifts through the heap of crackers*
Me: *Puts on a fake smile and some fake enthusiasm* Let me get a new candle for you uncle.

So there you go. That was the first time I tried to stay away from crackers by stating the reason. However, after enough trial and error experiments, I finally zeroed in on the ideal excuses to give.
1. I have an exam in the next few days, uncle. Dont want to take any risks :D *For the studious image*
2. No mood, uncle. Yawn. *For the spoilt brat image*
3. Been there done that, uncle. Crackers are boring. *For the cool image*

And if these do not work, I avoid the child labour excuse and get straight to lighting a flower pot just for the heck of it. If there is one thing I hate more than bursting crackers, it is being in socially awkward situations with my relatives.

Status Message of the day:

"I was born to a rich faggot, but thanks to me, my son wont be"

-Vimal S Warrier

PS: If you think you or any of your friends have funny status messages in your gtalk / Y! list, then ping me on gtalk. I could use some funny ones for my next post. Just in case, my id is gokul.archer@gmail.com.
PS1: Yes, I intend to blog soon. (Although I am not sure how many read my posts.. hmm...)
PS2: On afterthought, I dont miss bursting crackers. I've grown aloof from the entire process. And before I forget, I wish you all a happy and safe Diwali!
PS3: Feels good to be blogging again. (Although the standards are abysmally low)

About me: Chapter 1 - Me & my accents

Lately I have been fascinated with foul language. This was the best start I could come up with after a 4 month sabbatical. Or was it 5? Anyways before we digress completely, as I mentioned earlier, I've been fascinated with foul language recently. Yes, and I've taken a liking towards the f-word so much that it makes a guest appearance once in every 100 words I speak. That's an alarming frequency considering I dont intend to write the script for Pulp Fiction's sequel. But I dont use it to vent out my frustration or to sound cool (may be someeetimes?) Instead I use it because it sounds funny when pronounced in different accents. Now have you ever tried that? Its feck-yu in Mallu accent and fock yo in Carribean. Its actually fun to use it when things get screwed up and people are expecting someone to start swearing - just breaks the tension in the air. Try it and get back to me with feedback! Possibly then I will divulge zee European version which primarily involves tampering with the syllables. (The Mallu accent works like magic!)

So what have I been up to in the past few months when I was away from the blog-o-sphere? The usual stuff - attending classes and dozing off in most of them, watching sitcoms, perfecting the mallu accent, hanging out with my wingmates and bitching about classmates, assignments and deadlines, staying invisible on gtalk to shun forced socialization and as always trying to put on more weight! I also was part of a small 10 minute short film which was directed by the director of "Left Right Left", a serial on Sony SAB. It was fun making the movie. Of course he dubbed my voice at the end, so the movie sounds so funny that I could not watch it more than once. But I've got good reviews from people (who fear that I might tease them if they give negative feedback) and critical comments from others (who are much bigger in size than me. sigh!) It was a great learning experience nonetheless.

Well, I really want to write a lot more stuff but then samay samaapthi ki ghoshna! So all you readers (yes, all six of you!) please do come back to read more about me. This is a desperate plea for attention. I promise the next post will be entertaining! Continued ...

In the next episode:
Self-deprecating humour and I *dadaang!! Camera closes in on my face.. then camera tilts by 45 degrees and again closes in on my face.. beat picks up in the background.. sounds of thunder! Repeat closing in of camera at different angles*
Foreign exchange students *Camera closes in on my face again.. not anywhere else (You wish!!) I have an evil smile spread across my face. hehahaha*
A blast from the past *Flashback in black and white.. A story about a miniature Gokul (dressed in uniform) and his environmental science project.. Sensitive issues like the bomb blasts will not be discussed by a man with an IQ of a chimp*

PS: I do have shreds of self-esteem left! Chimps are the most intelligent among animals.
PS1: I should stop watching Ekta's serials..
PS2: Composing this post was so damn hard! I just hope that I get better at this. It was fun blogging again :D
PS3: Some encouraging comments will be appreciated. :-s
PS4: To all my mallu friends - no hard feelings! :D
PS5: The "About me" series will continue.