Move over, elevator speech!

Have you ever felt a strong spiritual connection with someone - especially when your peeing cycles are synced to the T? I did. And it is one of the weirdest things one can encounter in an office atmosphere - especially if you're stuck with the same guy for the entire day. It's almost freaky when it happens five times a day!

Urinals are a place to catch up with acquaintances; a break from routine. And this is one of the instances when your company is decided on a random basis - as if God just threw a seven and put you on the urinal next to the CEO! You'd especially be unlucky if the activity has been pending for hours and you cant just run away without completely relieving yourself for two whole minutes. As if this were not enough, you'd be pestered by this awkward urge to keep your superiors entertained with small talk. "Hi John! Doing good?" *stares on the other side to avoid the Peeping Tom perception* Very awkward.

This is where the most uncanny of the resemblances kicks in - the resemblance with the concept of elevator speech. Who knows - this could very well be the next big management concept that takes the world by storm. I can practically envision workshops being conducted to practice and hone your urinal speeches!

Tips for the perfect urinal speech - needs to be less serious, more entertaining and hand gestures will definitely not go down well. And I mean it, literally!
NOTE: To the best of my knowledge, the concepts discussed in this post are applicable to only guys. Need the opinions of a subject matter expert to validate the same for the ladies

It's one of those days..

It's one of those days when you stumble upon a long lost folder of beautiful music..
It's one of those days when you feel like catching up with all your old friends and take that walk down the cherished, memory lane..
It's one of those days when you dream of being a best-selling author, a musician, a chef, a commentator, a journalist and what not!
It's one of those days when you tell yourself that there's so much more to life than .. you-know-what!!
It's one of those days when you want to move your behind and publish that long awaited blog post!
Happy New Year, folks!
PS: BTW, the folder I discovered was the Kill Bill - Vol 1 OST

I hate Luv Storys - review

Watched I hate luv storys over the weekend. It is the same old concoction of guy and girl hate each other at first and then feelings develop on either sides alternatively until the climax where they discover that its finally mutual! Yeah.. and since its from the Yash Raj stable, there's no lack of grandeur. And the backdrop took me back to my Lighthouse days when I had to work at properties sourcing with Art directors while poke fun at them behind their backs with their assistants. I seem to digress. The music might not be novel but is nonetheless, nice and hummable. The editing and flow of screenplay seemed rather rough in a few places.

It's definitely watchable. Sonam Kapoor looks cute enough and as for Imran Khan, one can see shades of Aamir in several frames. I wonder if he does it consciously. Its also refreshing to see the movie poking fun at some of the Yash Raj flicks despite being one of them. As always, there are loads of cliche's but the good part is the movie is unapologetic about them. Again refreshing. But what set me off was the blatant rip-off of Barney Stinsen's theory of the Vickie Mendoza diagonal. Yes, the "Hot-Batameez" graph is actually been done before by the legen-wait-for-it-dary Barney in "How I met your mother". And the character of the director is also loosely based on Dr.Cox from Scrubs. However, he barely manages to deliver. Of course, it is a known fact that no-hohoho-hobody can come close to Dr.Cox.

So if you're fine with watching romantic comedies, then you'd definitely like this movie. But I'd glady take a match like Ghana vs. Uruguay anyday over the movie. What drama.. what intensity! What a match!! :D Its at times like this that I wish I had been a sportsperson. Now how awesome would that be, eh? :D

About being random and crazy

When was the last time you struck a deal with God? Or may be a challenge? If Tendulkar hits a six of the next ball, then India will definitely lose this match. (Of course whenever the bet was on, Tendulkar always managed to either tap it to the on-side for a harmless single or just miss the line, play all over the ball and get bowled) Which is why today I was on the doorstep of atheism when Sri Lanka almost snatched a victory contrary to the divine judgement. But thankfully, the Lankans choked, no further records were created (Highest chase, highest chase against India, highest chase in India, highest chase in India against India and all the other permutations and combinations!) and I continue to roam the "no man's land" separating the agnostics from the true believers

Which got me thinking - when I speak to God, I do the voiceover for God as well (Hangover of the advertising industry) For example:
ME: Oh Lord Tirupathi Balaji, will I be a successful writer?
GOD: Oh yes, you will be. But I cannot say whether it will happen during your lifetime or posthumously.
ME: Ah.. come on!!
GOD: You should have framed your question better. After all, you're an IIM grad. Gotcha! :D

Yes, my conversations with God can be really weird. The conditions and constraints that exist during my conversations with God are as follows:
1. We decide on the number of questions that can be asked. Yes, there is negotiation involved.
2. Each one of us needs to be very careful while laying the condition on which the bet would revolve. Because loopholes, however silly, can be used to advantage.
3. Neither of the voices are squeaky, shrill or high-pitched (All these conversations are held in a virtual, concealed environment called the human mind)
4. If both sides find out loopholes in each other's arguments, then the bets are off.
Yes, I'm a lot like JD from Scrubs. I live in a world of my own.

Anyhoo, this brings me to a more important question - is this condition something common? Do any of you guys suffer from this or is it something like Progenia (one in a zillion kids!) The stupid thing is - I know that it is me who is pretending to be the voice of God (Yes, I know oo stupid conscience of mine! You're a wolf in a sheep's clothing!) And still, I choose to argue with it as if it were really pertinent. There is a difference between wrestling with your conscience and deifying it while challenging and placing counter arguments.

I guess I am just another nutcase with nothing better to do.

The Littler Master

If there is one thing that can help me write tons of posts, that would be my ability to feel nostalgic at the drop of a hat. That, combined with my natural talent to suck at cricket, would form the crux of this post.

Nostalgia is one emotion that has helped me maintain my sanity and optimism. As for my cricketing abilities, I was not always a loser. There was a time when I was quite gifted (primarily due to my fertile imagination) When I was five, I realized that I could snatch victory from the jaws of defeat by scoring 21 runs from 3 deliveries thus winning the man of the match and helping India reach the finals of the World Cup. Later that week, I discovered much to my amazement that I had just taken seven wickets in an over against Pakistan in the World Cup Finals when they were coasting along with a required run rate of 3 per over. No, I did not bowl a no-ball. I completed a caught & bowled dismissal while simultaneously running the non-striker out. Thus did I achieve the first twin dismissal in the history of cricket. Thus did India win the '92 World Cup and I, the man of the series.

However, with time, I lost my innocence as I learnt the rules of the game - the stringent rules which shackled my imagination from pulling off some incredible victories. Thus ended the first golden era in my cricketing career. Though it was short-lived, I had made a name for myself as the genius all-rounder from the streets of Dombivali who could make Imran Khan shit in his pants. My focus also gradually shifted from becoming the next Kapil Dev to the next Sachin Tendulkar. After every Indian victory, I'd ask my mother if it would be alright for me to become a cricketer. She'd smile back and ask me to finish my homework first. This is where part-I concludes. Find below the career statistics of this boy wonder unearthed from old issues of Wisden and the by-now-erased files of cricinfo.com.

Full Name: Srinivasan Sampathkumar
Born: July 13th, 1986
Current Age: 23 years 141 days
Major Teams: India, West Zone, Mumbai, Dombivali (W)
Batting Style: Right-hand bat
Bowling Style: Right-arm fast, Right-arm medium, Right-arm off-break, Right-arm leg break

Batting and fielding averages (1992-94)
(Read as Matches, Innings, Not Outs, Runs scored, Highest Score, Average, Balls Faced, Strike Rate, Number of 100s and 50s)
Tests 13 17 5 2143 247 178.6 1644 130.35 8 1
ODIs 27 27 9 1721 146* 95.61 923 186.46 9 5
First-class 2 2 2 346 257* -- 149 232.22 2 0

Bowling averages (1992-94)
(Read as Matches, Innings, Balls Bowled, Runs Conceded, Wickets, Best figures - innings, Best figures - match, Average, Economy, Strike Rate)
Tests 13 21 1075 394 99 8/4 16/29 3.98 2.2 10.85
ODIs 27 12 372 92 89 6/1 6/1 1.03 1.48 4.18
First-class 2 - - - - - - - - -

Time for a change...

This past one month has been a slow process of recuperation. And I think it is time that I got back to my old ways - times when I'd blog to express my creativity (or the lack of it) instead of blogging to vent out my frustration. Words desert me at this timely hour but I guess I will publish this post no matter what. I think that is what I need to do - take a decision and stick by it, no matter what. And with time, things (and words) shall fall in place. Time - we seem to have enough of it and yet find it slipping through our fingers without a trace. You shall be seeing a lot more of such random statements in the coming posts. Yes, I'd like to post more often. I need to chronicle my past few months in Mumbai. They were memorable - at least some of them were. Hopefully, by then, I can lose my Midas touch of mediocrity.

So I've decide to reinvent myself yet again (Yeah, that's the term used if we're not happy with who/what we are or have become) Actually I am exaggerating. I have not hired a swanky interior designer to redecorate the living room of my life. No no no no.. To put it simply, I am looking at improving a little bit - above the just noticeable difference (I think that was put way too simply!)

On a more serious note, I'd also like to thank most of my friends who were really supportive during this period. Some were concerned and tried to stay in touch while there were others who, understanding my Cancerian traits, left me alone. And I am not talking about those who were too busy to disturb me - that doesn't count as leaving me alone!
Anyway, thank you for all the support. Really appreciate it.

A batch-mate of mine committed suicide yesterday evening.

When I first heard the news, it felt like being stabbed with a small knife – the wound is not deep and yet it hurts. It hurts enough for you to yell. And with time, as the details are revealed and the news begins to sink in, it feels as if the knife just turned into a sword as it grows deeper and deeper into your wound making your flesh burn. And mind you, it’s not a gradual process. No no no.. It’s just a sudden jerk of motion and you twitch in agony. You twitch because it hurts you. You twitch because it brings back old memories. But most importantly, you twitch because if fate had been unkind, you very well know that the person in question could have been anyone – even you.

Rest in peace, Ghanghor.

Confession

Hello folks,

My name is ***** and I am 6'2" tall. I weigh an unhealthy 58 kilos and am pale in complexion. I think we'll skip the rest of the intro and get straight to the point. In fact, I think we'll take a small detour to grab a pinch of salt before we begin. Yeah, you can take some cinnamon and pepper as well! Now.. to the point.

I think it all started after I completed my first year of engineering. Yeah.. I think that would be it. I had come home for a vacation. And that was the first time I had heard it. Of course, it was a passing mention and I did not pay much heed to it. But since then I've heard it a million times. And frankly, I was getting tired of it. Of what, you may ask. Of comments on my height! Ah.. he has grown really tall.. has he grown taller since the last time I saw him? You saw me yesterday, Aunt Rachel! (Of course the name has been changed!) My neck hurts looking at him. And the worst one - oh gosh! he gives me a complex! Never ever stand next to me, you hear that? followed by a hysterical hyena laugh. (Hyena laugh, in this context, is the laughing equivalent to crocodile tears) Yeah.. so I guess you got the point. I was getting tired of all these comments. Until recently, that is.

Yes, it happened. I looked over my shoulder and found someone taller than me. Its not like I've never seen people taller than me. But this one was particularly tall and he came and stood next to me. I dont know what happened but I was overcome by this enormous feeling to kick this guy in his gut. He was really imposing and intimidating! I was like, Seriously! Is it even legal to be so tall?! And that was when I realised how you all might have felt when you cracked all those comments about my height. I apologise for not having respected your feelings (and your height.)
I also thank you for not kicking me in the gut.

Yours sincerely,
*****

PS: Yes, a very lame attempt at getting back to blogging but an attempt nevertheless!
PS1: If you've made it this far, drop a comment. I'm sure you'll have something to say about the prevailing Maoist situation in the country.
PS2: I've seen traffic being diverted from Halley's blog to mine in the past. It must be the communists! :P

The box of assorted chocolates

This post will be like one of those boxes of assorted chocolates – there’s something there for everyone! (unless you hate chocolates or you’re diabetic) Let me start with something for my number crunching friends.

As has been the custom for the past few posts, I shall begin with local trains. I remember reading this report on a newspaper that the average number of travelers at any given time on a Mumbai local train has fallen this year from 4800 to less than 4100. Whoopie!!? Just to put things into perspective, there are usually 9 or 12 bogeys and each bogey can seat up to 50 passengers.

(Note: If you’re not into number crunching, I request you to skip to the next section)

So we have a maximum of 600 passengers out of 4100 who are seated (comfortably?) Assuming that the two compartments, purely dedicated for the women folk, are half as crowded as men’s, this would leave us with a little less than 3200 men in 10 small, cramped compartments who do not have a place to sit.

Now if you’ve ever seen a Mumbai local train, you’d understand the scale and magnitude of this conclusion that we’ve arrived upon after this huge (??) number crunching exercise. Imagine three hundred men shoved into a compartment, drenched in sweat getting all aggressive and restless – not really a pretty sight unless you’re gay.

Speaking of gay men, I’ve developed a lot of respect for them over the past two months. Having interacted with a couple of gay designers on the sets of shoots, I must say that they just keep out of harm’s way and are not even half as fussy as the models. They are quite normal (if you choose to overlook their body language, their well shaved legs and the pleasant smell of lavender.) In fact, I must add that they can be pretty darn sarcastic if they want to be!

On the other hand, Mumbaikars have a different sense of humor. And if there is one thing that is not exactly welcome in Mumbai, it’s sarcasm. I’ve been greeted with cold stares when I pass a sarcastic (yet friendly, if I might add!) comment in the local trains. I’m not sure if they don’t get it or they’re not in a mood for sarcasm. Anyhoo, not being sarcastic is killing me from the inside!! I feel like a fish out of water; like a tree without leaves; like Rakhi Sawant deprived of cheap publicity!! But I’ve managed to live on – sigh!

Yes, I’ve become more filmy and melodramatic – blame it on Bollywood.

PS0: This post was written in record time
PS1: Congrats Sam for delivering a baby boy
PS2: Why are forwards being spammed on PGP11 list? I mean, seriously, are you guys so jobless?!
PS3: Yet to recover from the shock exit from T20 World Cup. Yeh Cup kahin nahi jaayega my ass!
PS4: Work is still hectic :(

On Creativity

Looking back, I think my placements season at IIMK was one of the most depressing periods of my life. Being a fresher, I'd be shortlisted for almost every process only to be eliminated in the GD round. You see, I was never the one to share opinions forcibly. Also, a very dear friend of mine once remarked that the aim of a placement process should be to act as a lubricant between the companies and the students so as to ease the interaction between the two parties. And I've always been of the opinion that GD is not the best way of doing the same. I digress.

So as I was telling, I'd usually be eliminated in the GD round. But there were times when I was lucky enough to make it to the interview round. And it was during one of those interviews that we had an interesting conversation on creativity - the interviewer and I. The company in question had come to recruit for a marketing role. And I was one of the first few to be called in. My interview was going fine. I had written a paper on the "Effectiveness of use of sexuality in advertisements" and we were discussing the same. We spoke about Indian brands which have used varying shades of sexuality in their campaigns.

Suddenly, out of the blue, the interviewer asks me, "You claim that you're creative. Why dont you tell me how you'd use sexuality in promoting our products?" And that was that. I spaced out. I could not come up with anything. You see, I've always thought of creativity as one of my forte and here, sitting right across me, was a gentleman who was asking me to prove it. I just could not come up with anything!

Which is when I gathered my guts and spoke, "Sir, there are two types of creative people that I know of - the naturally gifted ones and otherwise. The naturally gifted ones are like the instant, maggi-noodles type who can give you a bucketload of ideas in two minutes. Unfortunately, I belong to the other category. Hence I will need some prodding in the right direction before I can actually come up with something." (I took 30 seconds to think of these lines before I started delivering them)

Frankly, I expected him to be happy that I was not one of those stereotypical, IIM egomaniacs. Unfortunately, I could not read much into his poker-faced expression. However, he offered some pointers on how we could go about integrating sexuality in the products without actually offending our target audience. And I took the cues rather gladly thus making it more of a discussion than an interview as we exchanged the pros and cons.

The interview finished on a rather smooth note. I shall not tell if I made it through or not but it did make me introspect on how creative I actually am. For a day.

PS: A totally random post. Blame I.V!